The Judeo-Christian Origin of Heterosexuality
In the beginning, God made Adam and Steve.
And he deemed this to be Fabulous…or so it would seem.
After several millenia, God grew bored. True, Adam and Steve were always good for some witty chit-chat and they hosted fierce parties in their meticulously maintained Garden, but God was planning on writing a book and no one wants to buy a book where the plot is missing a conflict, climax, and resolution. Happy, healthy gay relationships that don’t end up in tragedy don’t sell books or movies, and God knew this. He is, afterall, the Supreme Brainiac.
To make his publishers happy, God – life’s editor – re-wrote the Creation Story and Adam and Steve’s life together was suddenly relegated to a draft; they were made “roommates”. But God is a loving and generous creator, and seeing as though he was splitting up the first happy gay couple, he rewarded Steve with a position in his heavenly choir which, like all church choirs, was already full of queers.
Soon thereafter, Steve was promoted to Heavenly Enforcer, or “God’s Bureaucrat”. More than anyone in the universe, Steve was in God’s eyes the ultimate Process Queen. Steve fussed over ever single, minute detail – so much so that everytime God rolled his eyes a star was born (no, not Barbara Streisand). Always the trendsetter and never one to miss reinventing himself, Steve changed his name to the more ornate-sounding Sataniel – friends called him Satan (and “Ol’ Horny Goat” when he wasn’t listening) – and happily went about enforcing God’s laws. Wherever Steve went, the angels would crank their necks and snap, “would you get a look at Miss Day Star! Fah-lawwwless!”
This left Adam all alone and sad. To make Adam happy (and to please his publishers), God in his mighty voice proclaimed “I want my babyback, babyback, babyback…Chili’s Babyback Ribs” and out of Adam’s rib came the gay man’s sidekick for all eternity: Eve – The First Faghag. Eve was also the world’s first Beard, but I digress.
And thus – convenient heterosexuality was born.
As the centuries wore on, God decided to shop around the book to all of the tribes of the ancient world. There were many choices, such as the Hitites (oh, they were fun!) and the Kadmonites (a little icy for God’s taste), but in the end God settled on the Jews.
For, though he felt sorry for the Jews – and who doesn’t from time to time? – he had no idea how paranoid his new chosen people would be. Paranoia was rampant in Hebrew society and several times God had to reveal himself just to say “Chill, my people, chill. That fire-raining-down thing is just an urban legend spread by Lot in order to make a few shekels on some real estate.” But it was to no avail. Nevertheless, it did sell books and that’s all God was really concerned about.
As God’s chosen people, paranoid Jews of the Bible gave us homophobia. And can you really blame them? You can’t throw a stick without hitting a gay Jew! Or should I say, you can’t be a harp-playing future king of Israel without getting a little wang from the present king’s son….I’m just saying.
Heterosexuality shaped by Jewish paranoia is rampant in the Hebrew Scripture and yet, the Jewish people never really latched on to queerbashing as a way of life –if only because they couldn’t agree with various Halakha, such as which stones were clean and unclean; should the stone be used to strike the homosexual in the forehead or in the neck, and is stoning a homosexual on the Shabbat permitted if it is considered a mitzvah? “Oy vey, Feygeleh!” they would say. Oy vey, indeed.
As we come to the Christian Scriptures, we see Josh the Jew burst onto the scene making fabulous pronouncements, hanging out with the riff-raff, wining and dining, and generally being a Drama Queen With A Cause. “Jesus”, as he is known in Koine Greek (which was the lingua franca of the time), founded the first inception of ACT-UP with Mary Magdelene as the token straight woman/faghag. Operating as he did in Jewish society, Josh was often forced to address the paranoid questions of the Pharisees regarding – whatelse! – heterosexuality, such as “is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” and “whose wife belongs to which brother” and so on.
“Oh, Mary!“, he would say in Aramaic.
“Yes, Lord?”, Mary Magdalene would reply.
“Oh, no dear, I wasn’t talking to you. I was just thinking out loud.”
How refreshing it was for Josh to actually do something good for The Gays, when he happened to stumble on a sad Roman Centurion whose young lover* was laid up sick at home. When the Centurion saw Josh, he threw himself at his feet and asked for Josh’s help. Josh wasn’t about charity for charity’s sake, and he asked the Centurion to have faith and that his faith would reward him and his young lover. And with two snaps, the twink was healed.
(*Some translations of the text indicate “servant” or “slave”, which would imply that these two were in a consentual S/M arrangement. Although, the Greek word “pais” which is used to describe the subject of the Centurion’s grief, would seem to indicate that he was actually a twink. Or, the “chicken” to the Centurion’s “chickenhawk”; the “sugar” to the “sugardaddy”, and so on.)
Josh’s confirmed bachelorism and refusal to condemn The Gays ultimately led to his martyrdom in the name of protecting heterosexual tradition and for violating the sacred laws of heteronormalism, such as the 50% divorce rate and the enjoyment of privilege over others. But like every gay boy, he sure knew how to host a supper party. To this day, Christians remember that last locally-grown, all organic, seasonal meal by the partaking of Communion, in which Josh’s body and blood are ingested in a form spiritual cannabalism typical of the modern paganistic Christian faith.
Had the paranoid Jewish invention of heteronormality stopped at Josh’s crucifixtion, heterosexuality as we know it today would have been radically different. But then something, or should I say someone, came along and fucked it all up for all time. He was a Pharisee named Saul – the first Evangelical wingnut. Saul was so Jewish, he could braid challah, kvetch about the Samaritans, and tease his Jewfro all at the same time. As with most Pharisees obsessed with sex, he was totally hung up on what other people were doing in the privacy of their own homes, and even whether their hair length was appropriately heterosexual enough.
Since Saul, aka “Paul”, was a Hellenistic Jew, he was exposed to and appalled at non-Jewish society which, in his mind, had committed the worst sin of all – they didn’t experience guilt over piddly shit.
Paul never met Josh, but when he saw how the followers of Josh were living in equality and harmony, he was so moved that he made a huge jump over to the other side, similar to the many Republicans who voted for Barack Obama. But while Paul, through spiritual osmosis, attained some of the good qualities of the first Jewish apostles like James, Mary, and Peter, the early Christian church absorbed some of that Pharisee hetero-dogmatism, proving that if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. Or as the Book According to (someone we believe is named) Matthew succinctly puts it: “Don’t throw your pearls before swine. Instead: elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, touch pearls, blow a kiss.”
As Josh’s best friend Peter and his brother James were cast aside by an ambitious goody two-shoes, the early Christian church set about spreading the good news to the pagans, aka the “Respect Diversity” bunch. This had actually been quite easy since, with the exception of that nasty little incident orchestrated to take the spotlight off of Emperor Nero, the Romans pretty much left them alone. Of course, it didn’t matter to them whether they were being persecuted or not – the Jew-“ish” paranoia of heteronormative persecution had been firmly set in place in the goyim mind.
When Constantine made Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire, this heteronormative paranoia became law of the land and what was once the persecuted religion of Josh, quickly became a religion of persecution roughly about Jesus. For many centuries, Christianity continued to de-evolve into a pantheistic (three-headed God and numerous demigods, aka “saints”) imperialism with hetero Jewish hangups, all the while making life hell for the Jews they coopted fragments of their religion from. We see this obsessive drive at negative assimilation to a similar extent today, with the hetero-seizure of queer slang and colloquialisms such as “out of the closet”, “manscaping”, and even the term “straight” itself.
However don’t be alarm, as having Gay On The Brain is symptomatic of heterosexualism and not to be mistaken as an acquiescence to sexual or cultural diversity.
And yet, throughout the Middle Ages, hetero society seemed mostly obsessed about itself while engaged in hetero-social customs such as wars of conquest, slavery, and mailorder brides. Gayness was cast to the margins, even if it would pop up later in gloomy witch trials geared at destroying the Lesbian Menace. Hetero-society in the Middle Ages, like today, was constantly paranoid that its grip of control over society would slip and only absolute authority over every facet of life could prevent the undoing of heteronormalism. Oddly enough, this desire for absolute control made criminals out of those whose sole objective was simply to translate the bible into languages people could actually read. As I will document on future blog posts, the hetero mind is anything but rational.
While hetero men and women were literally fighting over bible translations (as the heteronormalist mind cannot conceive of a world were there might be diversity of thought), it was in 1604 that a flaming, nelly bisexual by the name of King James I of England attempted to put the question to rest by soliciting a new and harmonious translation of the Hebrew and Christian Scriptures. This translation of the bible became in proceeding centuries the translation of choice by homo-fearing Evangelicals and Fundamentalists, despite the fact that when the translation was undertaken, the term “homosexuality” hadn’t yet been invented.
In fact, the term “heterosexuality” wasn’t invented until 1868 as a juxtaposition to a new term: “homosexuality”. As one of the later gifts of the Age of Enlightenment, heteronormative society was at last defined in terms of being different from a certain perspective, not the centerpiece from which all things revolve around. But as we’ve seen, it was irrelevant whether passages in the Scripture singled out “homosexuals” since hetero-paranoia was hard-wired into the religion, culture and society of the day, and of this day. If the word “homosexual” had been missing from the King James Bible before 1868, as it was, it would now be coopted from the “homosexualists” and inserted into subsequent editions by the hetero-paranoids.
That’s why, my young padowan, Christian heterosexuals and their brainwashed ex-gay sob-sisters can proudly tell you that homosexuality is a sin – because it now literally says so in the bible, version 1587.08 or best guess.
Despite our knowledge of the revisions and additions to biblical text, of which not a single original manuscript exists (kind of weird if you believe the bible is the literal and inerrant word of God; seems like you’d want to preserve the original text at all costs), heteronormality continues to go about its merry way irrespective of what is and isn’t rational.
Yet, it warms my heart to think that somewhere Sataniel, the Day Star and fabulous faggot angel formerly known as “Steve”, is laughing. He got out of the game before it turned into the hot mess we’re stuck with today.
So go ahead Steve. Have a good, long laugh.
God, you’ve got dibs on the screenwriting credits.
It’s the Greatest Story Ever Told.